Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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