I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
