Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
