Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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