Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
