I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize