what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize