A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
