I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
