my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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