just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
