Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
