i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
