So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
