I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
