Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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