My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
