go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The best revenge is premature balding
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
