so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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