she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
