failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
