um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
