I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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