The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
