Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
