wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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