u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
