shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize