I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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