why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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