I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
sarcasm needs its own font
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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