She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
