Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
