I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
