Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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