Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
