You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
