I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize