when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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