I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
