We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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