Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
