You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
