I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
