Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
