My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
