Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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