My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
