I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have tasted many bathrooms
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
