i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
