i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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