please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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