My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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