hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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