I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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