I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
