We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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